A Potential Communication Framework

Communication is a regular and obvious topic for relationships. However, it seems it's more than development of 'skills' that's required for greater connection and intimacy. Through conversations with clients, research and readings, and my own struggles, I've started to toy with the following framework.

You – Why – How

Start with You - with a greater understanding of self what and how you communicate changes. Work to understand your internal struggles, desires, needs, hurts, personal values and beliefs; and work to understand your triggers, conditioning and history behind your reactions, moods and emotions (but remember it’s ok to be confused and ‘unknowing’ – the sharing of these also fosters connection).

Why build communication ‘skills’, what’s the deeper intention? Is it just for improved diplomacy or ‘conflict management’, or greater reciprocity in relationships; or for greater awareness of the other and self, for greater connection, intimacy and love (bearing in mind ‘love’ equates to personal/spiritual growth – fostering the best, the innate potentials of self and others).

How – communication is more than words. Silence (one of the biggest ‘communicators’), voice tone and volume, timing, location, facial expressions, body language, sighs, emotions, actions and inactions - will all ‘communicate’ something - positive or negative, knowingly or unknowingly. This is why an awareness of self, in particular our deeper longings and needs, helps us understand what it is we may be communicating, and how we’re doing it.

The aim of such a framework is to communicate (verbally and non-verbally) with greater transparency, vulnerability and clarity; while avoiding defensiveness, blaming or shaming. Such an approach can express our real needs and may evoke the same form of response from the other.

One tip that seems to help people reshape their intentions is to focus on ‘how’ questions rather than ‘why’ questions. Why questions require justification of self/behaviour, how questions can be used to emphatically explore, to simply try to understand and take perspective of the other – without judgement. E.g. if someone has a bad experience, because of a supposedly poor choice, we tend to ask “Why did you do that?” consider asking “How was that experience for you?” or “What was it like to go through that?” 

Cheers, Alex

Closeness & Space

A common theme in all healthy relationships (whether adult-adult or adult-child) is the balance between closeness and space. That is, closeness where relational attunement, love, acceptance, recognition and understanding is experienced; versus space, where the real or ‘true-self’ flourishes, space that allows creativity and individualism to be nurtured, where unique and innovative ways of play, work, problem-solving, relating and expressing emotions can occur. Problems in relationships usually occur because of own unexplored 'stuff' (fears, needs, longings etc) pushing for too much or not enough 'space and closeness' - or because of a lack of understanding of what constructive 'space and closeness' looks like. It takes considerable self-awareness and learning to balance and apply the two. 

However, it’s not a simple either/or thing, we cannot separate the two; closeness and space are interconnected and circular in nature.  The more you are able to grow into your own person, the better you become at connecting to others; and the greater the quality of connection and closeness you experience with others, the more you grow as an individual. 

And with our human essence being an innate desire for ‘good’ or spiritual growth (for self-love - see previous post); the more you grow the more loving you become. For many philosophers and thinkers, this is the central process and purpose of Love (hence the big ‘L’). As a relational process (of mutual closeness and space) it allows us to experience the power of Love, while simultaneously growing in Love – for self, others and the world. ‘For self’ here means you will do all you need to grow as a person – it’s not narcissism, but it does include acceptance, care and compassion directed towards yourself.

If this process works, it in turn grows the very concept and practice of Love (because of the human elements of uniqueness, creativity and innovation). This then makes it continually attractive to those experiencing it. ‘Outsiders’ can also see or experience this and get drawn into the process… and on, and on it goes. Some call this the ‘spiralling addiction’ to Love that keeps all humanity moving forward. This of course is big debatable statement, depending on how you view the world. However, as a relational process is seems sound and it runs as a theme across many notions of the higher forms of Love. For many people its resonated with their experiences of Love, and has provided greater clarity and purpose to their relationships and the pursuit of personal growth. I hope you find it helpful as well.

Cheers, Alex 

Love’s Purpose

I once read Nelson Mandela describing the purpose of freedom as something that “enables us to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others” – for him the purpose of freedom was to free others. Prior to reading this I’d never thought to question the purpose of freedom, it was just something I took for granted, a state I simply deserved as a human. I had a similar outlook to love, never questioning its purpose, just assuming it was something that ‘happened’, something I tried to ‘do’ and something I received. However, I'm finding that exploring this question can dramatically shift the way we view and go about our important relationships.

Examining Love’s purpose makes sense in light of a failure to define love – despite hundreds of years of researchers, thinkers, philosophers and spiritual leaders trying to do so. In order to gain a practical understanding of it, they often resort to what it does, its transformational power, its impact on people and groups. From these they shape a purpose. While there is still many debates, a common understanding of its purpose sits around growth. One definition I like is “Love is the will to extend oneself for the spiritual growth of oneself or another” (from Scott Peck’s book ‘The Road Less Travelled’).  Many others allude to the same concept of love being connected to the growth and development of people, groups and the world in general.

If we look at this more broadly and connect love to the biology of life – as many thinkers do – we begin to see a pattern that connects everything, and speaks to the very meaning of life. Consider the basic drive of all forms of life – to grow. Look at plants striving to grow on the sides of walls or through cracks in concrete. Or potatoes thrown in the darkest cupboard, they still send out roots to the faintest crack of light. All of life strives to grow! But notice their aim is not to just be replications of their ancestors, to be exactly the same. The fundamental principle is more than this, it’s to flourish in unique, creative and adaptive ways – to be bigger, healthier or stronger than previous forms.  For humans, physical evolution/adaptation operates on the same similar principle, but for humans it’s also a principle of our psychological and emotional development. Here is where love comes in.

Everything I’m learning says love’s purpose is to drive all life forward in positive ways – for individuals, groups and the world. For us to experience the joys of love, so as to grow in love - and grow the very concept and practice of love (love itself, they argue, is slowly being released, nurtured and expanded – and it’s our role to be a part of the process). However because the very nature of love is creative (like the basic forms of life) we grow in love in creative and unique ways – which makes us attractive to others, which draws others into the process, and on it goes. As someone has said, love creates a ‘spiralling addiction’ that both drives and pulls us forward.

The question now is, how does this change our current view of love (particularly the ‘romantic’ view) and what will it mean for our relationships? A question you will need to address in your uniquely creative way :)

Cheers, Alex