The idea of 'wrong' comes from many places in our culture – such as science, medicine and industrialisation - which makes perfect sense for machinery and physical bodies (when something is 'broke', work it out, 'fix' it). However, the power, mystery and evolving complexity of the human mind, and human relationships, defy such approaches to ‘fixing’ people - or relationships. Modern research and neuroscience* are now pointing to what spiritual people have always believed - that all humans possess a 'core-good'. A natural capacity to create meaning out of chaos, adapt, grow, heal ourselves, and love. This means their is nothing 'wrong' with us, our so called 'faults' can no longer be connected to our identity – we are not the sum of our behaviours (or our thoughts for that matter - but that's another post).
So, a person may struggle with symptoms of schizophrenia but not be a schizophrenic, or alcohol and not be a 'drunk', or a 'racist', or a 'loser' - or any other simplistic label. As Michael White puts it:
“The person is not the problem, the problem is the problem.”
Psychologically, it's explained as ‘behaviour being driven by complex psychology and meaning’. This means one’s history of anger (how it was tolerated, used, expressed or suppressed by significant others) conditions what the person does with it - good or bad. The 'bad' are seen as 'survival strategies' of the past, used to protect self or gain acceptance - a best choice in a past context, but a problem now. A problem one struggles with, but remains external to their 'true self'. Viewed this way, our problems become easier to accept and take full responsibility for (acceptance and responsibility are two separate posts, but sticking with anger as the example: when it's viewed as an acceptable and legitimate emotion - like all emotions - then how we address it in-the-moment, or what we let it become, is where responsibility kicks in).
Anyway, what they’re saying is the ‘essence’, the 'true-self' of a person, is this miracle of complexity, creativity and adaptability – a meaning-maker with a constant and innate desire to ‘grow’ (emotionally & psychologically - remember ‘striving’). Just like the plant in the crack of the side-walk, all humans have an innate desire to flourish into something wonderful and good (and as creative individuals, your 'something wonderful' can be very unique).
I still struggle to get my own head around this, but I’m finding that when I treat others as though it were true (that they have core-good) it seems to draw out good. It seems by looking for it I’m more likely to see it, and when they see me noticing, they reveal more of it.
So, for me, when relationships to others (or self) start to sour, I try to no longer blame myself or others (or circumstance). Instead, I try to muster faith and ‘tap-into' the core-good in others (and self) to work on the problem – not the person.
Cheers, Alex.
* check out "Born to be Good: The Science of a Meaningful Life" by Dacher Kelter and the founders and researcher of Positive Psychology
