Monday 15 August 2016

The Acorn

In terms of connecting to, relating with and viewing others, imagine you were to remove the following from your communication repertoire: assessing, comparing, judging, assuming, interpreting, problem solving (relationship issues), and fixing (the other). Along with the resultant: opinions, views, complaints, suggestions, advice, and proclamations.

If you did that, what would you have left?

For me, the answer is not just a different communication skill. It lays in intention, non-verbal’s, and a fundamental view about humans and how they flourish. This is where the ‘Acorn’ analogy comes in. It goes like this 

“You don’t have to teach an acorn how to be in oak tree.  You just provide the right conditions. With nutrient rich soil, water and sunshine an acorn will flourish to become a deep rooted, healthy and fully formed tree. Doing all the things that trees do - providing shade, oxygen, food and nutrients …life and shelter for the flourishing of other life forms.Human beings are the same, all they need are the right conditions to flourish, and just like a tree, healthy flourishing can only be good."

So what’s left if we subtract the analytical from our relating repertoire? For me, it sits around:

  • ·         a view the other has all they need to flourish (like an Acorn) that at their core they are essentially good (we seem to have little trouble believing this about babies and small children)
  • ·         a fundamental belief that the purpose of love and relationships is growth (for the other to become their true and unique self)
  • ·         being non-reactive to uncomfortable topics, and parking any need to be right, correct, or fix
  • ·         an intention only to connect
  • ·         an aim to simply understand/perspective-take the other’s important lived experiences, feelings, emotions and inner thoughts
  • ·         listening for understanding, rather than listening to reply
  • ·         empathic curiosity rather than morbid, problem-solving, or comparative curiosity
  • ·         exploring meaning - so instead of assuming what ‘love’, ‘intimacy’, ‘care’, ‘happiness’, ‘respect’ and so on mean, we start to ask “what does love mean to you? ”, “when have you felt most loved?”, “how did it change you?”, “do you see a purpose to love?” and so on. In the answers to such exploratory conversations other keywords will arise, and can go on for hours. But only if the other feels its genuine, non-judgemental and empathic attention.
  • ·         actions and non-verbal’s that demonstrate a viewing of the other as essentially capable and good, such as: acceptance, appreciation, affection and inclusion
The analytical and problem-solving skills are needed for the modern world of industrialisation, science and medicine, but it seems to me these skills, for the most part, can hinder connection and stifle growth.  Few people change by being told what’s wrong with them and what they need to do. If they do it’s usually forced, felt obligatory and has little to do with organic transformation.  Transformation seems to equate to evolution and growth, both of which simply require the right conditions.

Best, Alex