A common theme in all healthy relationships (whether adult-adult
or adult-child) is the balance between closeness and space. That is, closeness
where relational attunement, love, acceptance, recognition and understanding is
experienced; versus space, where the real or ‘true-self’ flourishes, space
that allows creativity and individualism to be nurtured, where unique and
innovative ways of play, work, problem-solving, relating and expressing
emotions can occur. Problems in relationships usually occur because of own unexplored 'stuff' (fears, needs, longings etc) pushing for too much or not enough 'space and closeness' - or because of a lack of understanding of what constructive 'space and closeness' looks like. It takes considerable self-awareness and learning to balance and apply the two.
However, it’s not a simple either/or thing, we cannot
separate the two; closeness and space are interconnected and circular in
nature. The more you are able to grow into
your own person, the better you become at connecting to others; and the greater
the quality of connection and closeness you experience with others, the more
you grow as an individual.
And with our human essence being an
innate desire for ‘good’ or spiritual growth (for self-love - see previous post); the more you grow the more
loving you become. For many philosophers and thinkers, this is the central
process and purpose of Love (hence the big ‘L’). As a relational process (of
mutual closeness and space) it allows us to experience the power of Love, while
simultaneously growing in Love – for self, others and the world. ‘For self’ here
means you will do all you need to grow as a person – it’s not narcissism, but it
does include acceptance, care and compassion directed towards yourself.
If this process works, it in turn grows the very concept and
practice of Love (because of the human elements of uniqueness, creativity and
innovation). This then makes it continually attractive to those experiencing
it. ‘Outsiders’ can also see or experience this and get drawn into the process…
and on, and on it goes. Some call this the ‘spiralling addiction’ to Love that
keeps all humanity moving forward. This of course is big debatable statement, depending on
how you view the world. However, as a relational process is seems sound and it runs as a theme across many notions of the higher forms of Love. For many people its resonated with their experiences of Love, and has provided greater clarity and purpose to their relationships and the pursuit of personal growth. I hope you find it helpful as well.
Cheers, Alex
