Happiness is found in ‘striving’!? Part 2

Part 1 explored how challenge, change and ‘striving’ toward career or physical goals can be key to a fulfilled and happy life - on how the 'journey' (of constant change and growth) can mean more than the 'destination'. But what about ‘striving’ and 'journeying' in our relationships? What does that mean? If we’re already compatible, friends and ‘happy’ what’s left to do?

Possibly many things, but I first learned it meant taking on something we thought we’d never like or be good at – just like taking up a new job, sport or hobby. For relationships it can be learning to:

• Inspire and support growth in our partners – as they grow and change we can experience the joy of close relationship to this ‘becoming’ person, much like the delight and interest we have in the development of children.
• Create a vision for your relationship – more than security, caring and sex – ‘striving’ suggests continuous movement towards.. well, something more! Some people adopt a vision of spiritual growth, or greater interpersonal skills, or better parenting and role-modelling, whatever it is, it’s a vision you create together.    
• Understand our partner’s values and meaning in life, understand  their deeper side and how that came to be. Their past hurts, disappointments, achievements and joys – and what they all mean. Exploring who they are now and where they want to go.
• To develop greater intimacy and connection (see my previous posts).

So for me, it’s doing all this (and more) – however, I’ve also learnt that before ‘striving’ to do anything with my partner, I need to look at my intentions for doing so first. Am I trying to ‘fix’ or ‘help’ based on a personal agenda? Even the idea of ‘fixing’ or ‘helping’ is based in some kind of judging or comparing that may not be helpful to either of us – better to simply focus on acceptance, understanding and connection. 

But back to personal agendas, understanding these turned out to be far from a simple process.  I used to think I ‘knew’ myself pretty well, however (with frustrating slowness) I’m learning that my judgements, assumptions and predispositions stop me seeing my judgements, assumptions and predispositions! Apparently, it’s true that “the biggest block to understanding yourself is your ‘self’”. 

My hardest (and continuous) lesson is realising I cannot connect to and understand others without being able to connect to and understand myself. Digging into and understanding who I really am (with acceptance) and what I want to become, is now a part of my personal ‘striving’.

Plato said: “The unexamined life is not worth living”. I see the value in this now, but in this world of constant evaluation and comparison, it’s important we treat our ‘self-discoveries’ here with acceptance and compassion - just as we do with those we love. This becomes a kind of ‘self-work’ that builds a healthy view of yourself and enhances all your relationships. Someone else’s quote I like for this is:

“The greatest gift you can give another is to work on yourself”

Like anything worth pursuing, this is not easy, nor is there a real 'end', but it's ultimately very rewarding – which means this kind of 'self-work' fits neatly with the concept of ‘striving’.

Cheers, Alex.

Happiness is found in ‘striving’!? - Part 1

While I’ve researched much about happiness (interpret that as you may:) it’s from two books in particular that I’ve learnt the most: “The Happiness Hypothesis” (Jonathan Haidt) and “Authentic Happiness” (Martin Seligman). These authors both point to scientific, philosophical and spiritual sources who all suggest true happiness is not found in achieved goals (material, personal or relational) but in constant ‘striving’. That is, in continuous growth, change and challenge… in keeping life moving forward.

They go as far as to say our sadness, personal struggles and dissatisfactions are there to ensure we do keep moving forward. For examples of this, just look at the bios of your inspiring leaders, artists, musicians, authors or sporting role models – nearly all will refer to challenging or prolonged troubles being key to their development.  And they usually continue to seek out challenge or change. While we certainly need times of rest and consolidation, it is becoming apparent that to sit still is to go backwards.

"Sitting still in life explains many peoples unhappiness."

If life is a journey (which, while a very tired cliché, seems to be true) then we will ‘arrive’ at new ‘places’ and explore and learn from them, but as ‘travellers’ we will at some point get restless and start looking toward our next ‘destination’ – to ‘strive’ forward. This does not necessarily mean radical change, but can simply mean taking on new things we never thought we were capable of, or would enjoy. Such as: new sports, recreational activities or hobbies; new careers, jobs, tasks or goals; or new relationships (particularly with those outside our normal groups). 

For me, it means taking risks and stepping out of comfort zones in some way. It means seeking out challenge and change instead of avoiding or hoping they pass us by. Which they may - but at what cost to real happiness and growth?

My experience is this is not easy, but is undeniably rewarding.

While I relate to change, challenge and growth in various physical and career endeavours - applying this to my relationships is a relatively new concept, but I'll leave exploring that until my next post. In the meantime, let me know your thoughts.

Cheers, Alex

Intentions & Intimacy

John Gottman, a renowned author and researcher, can apparently predict whether couples remain together with over 90% accuracy. His ‘Love lab’ does this primarily through prolonged observation and questioning. One of the key indicators they look for is evidence of real ‘connectedness’ – genuine bonding through emotional and physical intimacy.

They are essentially looking at the intentions behind all kinds of couple interactions.

A simplified example: Kim often surprises Jane with spontaneous gifts, regularly expresses love, and always makes room for ‘quality time’. Jane reciprocates by cooking most meals, being physically attentive and a good listener. They also play touch football together, are intellectually compatible and share similar values and beliefs. Like many couples, they felt such actions and shared values were ‘normal’ and would build or maintain an intimate relationship. This however, can be putting the cart before the horse. It seems using behaviours to build intimacy, is quite different to intimacy shaping behaviours. For Gottman (and many others) it’s about getting the foundation of intimacy in place first - and keeping it there as our primary focus.

“Connection and intimacy are a basic human need. If not met they colour every other aspect of relationship.”

It’s not surprising the above couple default to the behavioural focus. For all of us, the behavioural emphasis has been modelled/taught by education, religion, the media, Hollywood and well-meaning people. So it’s no surprise that when we observe real connectedness in others, it’s the behaviour we focus on.

It seems a human condition to focus on behaviours and forget the driving source.

So how do we shift the focus back to the source? For Gottman it boils down to establishing genuine connection and intimacy. On his website he indicates how this may be achieved. 

"Research shows that a powerful predictor of relationship stability is whether couples allocate “mental room” for their partner’s world. This means having a mental map of the relationship and its history, and knowing each partner’s past and present concerns, preferences, experiences and reality." The Gottman Institute

This requires work – genuine perspective-taking, various forms of listening (responsive, active), awareness of yourself (harder than it sounds), parking of your assumptions and ‘right’ beliefs (also hard), and more. While not easy, this is the work of love that is a reward in itself. It can place deeper meaning behind behaviours (and maybe less importance), see you and your partner grow, and transform all your relationships.

Gottman’s books and website are well worth a look if you’re seeking greater fulfilment in your relationships.

Cheers, Alex