Thursday 30 March 2017

Words & Behaviour

In relationships, focusing primarily on words & behaviour presents a problem. 
A story I heard in my training to illustrate...


A young pregnant lady walked into a newsagent to buy a newspaper and cigarettes. On the way out she was blocked and confronted by a very angry and upset older lady… “How can you be so irresponsible!? Don’t you know the gift you have inside you!? What kind of Mother are you!?…” and so on. The younger lady could have defended herself (she was actually buying for her partner) or simply told her where to go. What she did however was look closely at the other lady, noted something in her face and other emotions, and gently asked "when did you lose your baby?" (which was true and radically shifted the exchange)

In psychology there is a saying...

 "behaviour is driven by complex psychology and meaning" 

...the story represents a more dramatic illustration of this, but it appears true for much of human relating and flourishing. But what does it mean? Firstly, it's important to note it's about personal psychology and meaning. So it's about familial, social, cultural, religious, educational, media, and peer influences, and personal experiences - all being interpreted, and meaning created, through the unique and developing individual mind. An example might be two children in the one family being scolded the same way "don't do that, it's selfish and hurts others". One will hear and interpret that as "what I did was wrong" and may feel guilt, the other may think "I am wrong, I am selfish and I hurt others" and will feel shame - with every following correction or discipline interpreted and felt the same way. So one child keeps a sense of self separate from 'bad' behaviours, while the other attaches their behaviour to their identity (this is the classic example of the difference between guilt and shame).

When we make judgements or assumptions based on what we see and hear, we often fail to realise we are doing so through the filters of our personal complex psychology and meaning - through our equally unique and developing minds. 

So what might be a more helpful approach? In both the secular and spiritual world, the answer seems to be the same. Shift from correcting and fixing another’s behaviour (or the person themselves) to exploring and connecting with the person in the problem (non-judgemental and empathic exploration of their 'complex psychology and meaning'), to connection and 'faith' in the person. While we can never really understand or ‘work out’ the other - nor their perception of experience or their rationale (conscious or unconscious) for behaviour - we can still ‘connect’. Through attentive listening and non-evaluative perspective taking (invoking the ‘mentalising’ and ‘mirror neuron’ systems of the brain) we may understand the emotions, deeper hurts or struggles of their lives or current state.

Through that learning (and making connections to our pains, joys, struggles etc) we can offer understanding, compassion and support. This represents a shift from focus on the observable and ‘rational’, to ‘joining’ and the mystery of 'connection' - without the usual self-comparisons or evaluation. This in turn nurtures the others core capacities for self-awareness, self-efficacy, self-acceptance and growth - from which behavioural change will flow (and will be more organic and 'real', rather than mimicked or forced).

Cheers, Alex