Happiness is found in ‘striving’!? Part 2

Part 1 explored how challenge, change and ‘striving’ toward career or physical goals can be key to a fulfilled and happy life - on how the 'journey' (of constant change and growth) can mean more than the 'destination'. But what about ‘striving’ and 'journeying' in our relationships? What does that mean? If we’re already compatible, friends and ‘happy’ what’s left to do?

Possibly many things, but I first learned it meant taking on something we thought we’d never like or be good at – just like taking up a new job, sport or hobby. For relationships it can be learning to:

• Inspire and support growth in our partners – as they grow and change we can experience the joy of close relationship to this ‘becoming’ person, much like the delight and interest we have in the development of children.
• Create a vision for your relationship – more than security, caring and sex – ‘striving’ suggests continuous movement towards.. well, something more! Some people adopt a vision of spiritual growth, or greater interpersonal skills, or better parenting and role-modelling, whatever it is, it’s a vision you create together.    
• Understand our partner’s values and meaning in life, understand  their deeper side and how that came to be. Their past hurts, disappointments, achievements and joys – and what they all mean. Exploring who they are now and where they want to go.
• To develop greater intimacy and connection (see my previous posts).

So for me, it’s doing all this (and more) – however, I’ve also learnt that before ‘striving’ to do anything with my partner, I need to look at my intentions for doing so first. Am I trying to ‘fix’ or ‘help’ based on a personal agenda? Even the idea of ‘fixing’ or ‘helping’ is based in some kind of judging or comparing that may not be helpful to either of us – better to simply focus on acceptance, understanding and connection. 

But back to personal agendas, understanding these turned out to be far from a simple process.  I used to think I ‘knew’ myself pretty well, however (with frustrating slowness) I’m learning that my judgements, assumptions and predispositions stop me seeing my judgements, assumptions and predispositions! Apparently, it’s true that “the biggest block to understanding yourself is your ‘self’”. 

My hardest (and continuous) lesson is realising I cannot connect to and understand others without being able to connect to and understand myself. Digging into and understanding who I really am (with acceptance) and what I want to become, is now a part of my personal ‘striving’.

Plato said: “The unexamined life is not worth living”. I see the value in this now, but in this world of constant evaluation and comparison, it’s important we treat our ‘self-discoveries’ here with acceptance and compassion - just as we do with those we love. This becomes a kind of ‘self-work’ that builds a healthy view of yourself and enhances all your relationships. Someone else’s quote I like for this is:

“The greatest gift you can give another is to work on yourself”

Like anything worth pursuing, this is not easy, nor is there a real 'end', but it's ultimately very rewarding – which means this kind of 'self-work' fits neatly with the concept of ‘striving’.

Cheers, Alex.