Intentions & Intimacy

John Gottman, a renowned author and researcher, can apparently predict whether couples remain together with over 90% accuracy. His ‘Love lab’ does this primarily through prolonged observation and questioning. One of the key indicators they look for is evidence of real ‘connectedness’ – genuine bonding through emotional and physical intimacy.

They are essentially looking at the intentions behind all kinds of couple interactions.

A simplified example: Kim often surprises Jane with spontaneous gifts, regularly expresses love, and always makes room for ‘quality time’. Jane reciprocates by cooking most meals, being physically attentive and a good listener. They also play touch football together, are intellectually compatible and share similar values and beliefs. Like many couples, they felt such actions and shared values were ‘normal’ and would build or maintain an intimate relationship. This however, can be putting the cart before the horse. It seems using behaviours to build intimacy, is quite different to intimacy shaping behaviours. For Gottman (and many others) it’s about getting the foundation of intimacy in place first - and keeping it there as our primary focus.

“Connection and intimacy are a basic human need. If not met they colour every other aspect of relationship.”

It’s not surprising the above couple default to the behavioural focus. For all of us, the behavioural emphasis has been modelled/taught by education, religion, the media, Hollywood and well-meaning people. So it’s no surprise that when we observe real connectedness in others, it’s the behaviour we focus on.

It seems a human condition to focus on behaviours and forget the driving source.

So how do we shift the focus back to the source? For Gottman it boils down to establishing genuine connection and intimacy. On his website he indicates how this may be achieved. 

"Research shows that a powerful predictor of relationship stability is whether couples allocate “mental room” for their partner’s world. This means having a mental map of the relationship and its history, and knowing each partner’s past and present concerns, preferences, experiences and reality." The Gottman Institute

This requires work – genuine perspective-taking, various forms of listening (responsive, active), awareness of yourself (harder than it sounds), parking of your assumptions and ‘right’ beliefs (also hard), and more. While not easy, this is the work of love that is a reward in itself. It can place deeper meaning behind behaviours (and maybe less importance), see you and your partner grow, and transform all your relationships.

Gottman’s books and website are well worth a look if you’re seeking greater fulfilment in your relationships.

Cheers, Alex