Intimate relationships

What is an 'intimate' relationship?

When I dig into this question I find many people go straight to 'tasks' and behaviours to evaluate their intimate relationships (the 'whats' and 'hows'). E.g. reciprocated phone calls, shared household chores or 'compatibility' in recreational activities. Others point to shared 'love languages', good communication skills or shared values and beliefs. Regardless of which, we still tend to look at these through a 'transactional' or reciprocal lens - doing and sharing to have some kind of doing and sharing returned. Is this real love and intimacy?

While reciprocity seems inevitable, paying closer attention to the underlying reasons (the 'whys') can paint 'tasks' and expectations in a different light.  


Below is a table I used to explore the distinction between common expectations and the essence of relational connectedness. The 'hows' and 'whats' versus the 'whys' - and what happens when we prioritise one over the other. 

Common ‘tasks’ and expectations of relationships reciprocal/equal transactions – like shared phone calls, chores & favours good negotiation & communication skills – like diplomacy? planning meals or household chores planning weekends and holidays choosing furniture and household items financial planning shared recreational activities watching movies/TV together – anyone can do that discussing your day or problems – like workmates & counsellors? discussing deep and meaningful issues – philosophers? shared values/priorities/compatibilities fun, ‘good times’, shared humour

Essence, purpose of intimate/connected relationships being heard – thru ‘active listening’: involving focus, imagination, questioning and clarifying comments - aimed at empathy and perspective-taking. Without comparison, judgement or fixing.  being deeply understood- understanding meaning, values and beliefs behind personal history and conditioned responses, choices, behaviours, likes and dislikes etc. Being aware of and can empathetically connect to past and current emotions and deeper hurts, joys, fears and sorrows. This supports... being noticed/seen - seeing the depth and worth in another. Understanding non-verbals and other cues - noticing what’s happening in the other before being told (e.g. sad, fearful, hurt). being able to express full range of emotions – having emotions validated without an evaluative/fixing emphasis – without comparison to others or social standards being accepted – non-judgement reflected in speech, actions and non-verbals. Promoting self-worth, self-compassion and   self-acceptance. being vulnerable, transparent and open in a safe setting and of course touch – appropriate, 'natural' and relevant (hugs, arm touches, back pats: for couples - include sexual play and intercourse)

With less of the RH column (relationships in distress) people tend to focus more on the LH to validate reactions and assess relationship (assessing both self and others by task performance).
However, if the RH is the primary focus, if it underpins the intentions for the LH, then there is less concern about reciprocity in LH ‘tasks’. This is because connectedness, intimacy and genuine care (love) are fundamental to human need and flourishing. Without this need being met, the LH can be seen as disingenuous and meaningless.

Imbalanced relations – one individual may focus more on one column than the other individual; or one may ‘use’ either column to fulfil own agenda/needs.

Principles here are also appropriate to all kinds of 'close' relationships. 

Cheers, Alex