Communication is a regular and obvious topic for relationships. However, it seems it's more than development of 'skills' that's required for greater connection and intimacy. Through conversations with clients, research and readings, and my own struggles, I've started to toy with the following framework.
You – Why – How
Start with You - with a greater understanding of self what and how you communicate changes. Work to understand your internal
struggles, desires, needs, hurts, personal values and beliefs; and work to understand your triggers, conditioning and history
behind your reactions, moods and emotions (but remember it’s ok to be confused and ‘unknowing’ – the sharing of these also fosters connection).
Why build communication ‘skills’, what’s the deeper intention? Is it
just for improved diplomacy or ‘conflict management’, or greater reciprocity in
relationships; or for greater awareness of the other and self, for greater connection,
intimacy and love (bearing in mind ‘love’ equates to personal/spiritual growth –
fostering the best, the innate potentials of self and others).
How – communication is more than words. Silence (one of the biggest
‘communicators’), voice tone and volume, timing, location, facial expressions,
body language, sighs, emotions, actions and inactions - will all ‘communicate’
something - positive or negative, knowingly or unknowingly. This is why an awareness
of self, in particular our deeper longings and needs, helps us understand what
it is we may be communicating, and how we’re doing it.
The aim of such a framework is to communicate (verbally and
non-verbally) with greater transparency, vulnerability and clarity; while avoiding
defensiveness, blaming or shaming. Such an approach can express our real needs
and may evoke the same form of response from the other.
One tip that seems to help people reshape their intentions is to focus on ‘how’ questions rather than ‘why’ questions. Why questions require justification of
self/behaviour, how questions can be used to emphatically explore, to simply
try to understand and take perspective of the other – without judgement. E.g.
if someone has a bad experience, because of a supposedly poor choice, we tend to ask “Why
did you do that?” consider asking “How was that experience for you?” or “What
was it like to go through that?”
Cheers, Alex
