Requesting Change in Relationship

 

There’s a conundrum I keep coming across. The issue of problematic behaviours in relationships and the struggle it creates between asking for change and the concept of “acceptance” of the other.

If someone close to us does something that hurts, creates distance, crushes a boundary, or ignores a need, we tend to want to raise these. Doing so though is often taken personally and felt as pressure to change ‘who we are’. Socially, we’re pressured to believe that to love is to ‘accept’ the person “warts and all”. Hence narratives like “if you love me, you’d accept me as I am” or “stop trying to change me”. The assumption behind such comments is… a request for change suggests something is ‘wrong’ with the person; and making that change makes them ‘better’.

The fundamental flaw in these narratives is the belief a person is defined by behaviour. That their worth is equal to what they do or don’t do. Good behaviour = good person and visa-versa. This is a very common and powerful social belief. But it’s wrong! Lots of research on this, but it essentially says behaviour is driven – by layers of psychological and emotional complexity connected to childhood shaping, socialisation, wounding and unmet needs. In short, it says you have to separate personhood (a person’s worth) from their behaviour. This concept is a huge hurdle for many, and can take a long time and significant work to overcome, especially when various forms of trauma are in play. But I’ll give an overview here in the context of requests for change:

·        Asking for change is not about change of the person. Our innate essence is unchangeable!  It’s whole, complete, good, ‘enough’ and worthy, just as it is. Its worth is based on the ‘inside stuff’ of being human. Innate, ‘stuff’ like: character strengths and virtues (e.g., curiosity, adaptability, resilience, and creativity, to name a few), various forms of intelligence (at least 9 according to research), human consciousness, intuition, the ‘3 brains’, emotional processing systems, meaning making capacities, and much more. The amalgamation of all of this is what we are. This is where our worth lies, not it what do! Behaviour (good or bad) is driven and is a different issue to ‘core-based’ worth. Ideally, our behaviours should be driven by connection to, and belief in, our innate human essence (when this happens, it’s more our unique and true-self reflected in actions). Commonly however, our behaviours are driven by the programming and wounding of childhood. The process of ‘change’ here, helps to reverse this.

 

·        ‘Change’ here is also not about willpower driven behavioural change (this just creates resentment, is exhausting, and doesn’t last). What we are really asking for is greater awareness and understanding (of themselves and us) and a request for better choices based on that knowing. The ‘awareness and understanding’ focuses on those deeper things that drive behaviours, reactions and automatic thinking. Until these are fully understood (not a simple process) considered more fully (and, if needed, addressed) we are operating on ‘autopilot’. If we don’t heal and grow our way out of ‘autopilot’ we will be stuck in our painful patterns of projection, defensiveness, and disconnection (from ourselves and others). The beauty in this process is in knowing and understanding ourselves better (especially ‘knowing’ we are innately good and not defined by external actions) behavioural change occurs organically, or through organic shifts in motivation. It’s now inner transformation that drives change. In this sense (and in its purest form) a request for change is done with love and understanding as an act of love – because Love is essentially about growth of self and the other (another big topic!).

There’s also a beautiful gift in this process – by getting to know each other at deeper levels (without judgement, comparisons etc.) we get closer and more appreciative of the other.

Before going further, I should define ‘problematic behaviour’. This is not about getting someone to change because they ‘tick you off’ or don’t make you ‘happy’. This is deeper stuff. We are ultimately responsible for our emotions and happiness. If you want an obedient, submissive partner that makes you happy, get a dog. Assuming you have some degree of self-awareness about (and a workable handle on) your defensiveness, projections and transferences, then a ‘problematic behaviour’ is one that hurts, creates distance, abuses or ignores boundaries, or fails to meet fundamental and healthy connection needs. Good examples are actions or inactions that come from a lack awareness or deep ‘knowing’ or you and your inner world, or a lack consideration or care when they do understand, or simply not trying to know and understand to begin with. E.g., to be supported when you’re grieving you request your partner doesn’t try to ‘fix’, but works to listen, understand your experience, and ‘hold space’ for processing your emotions. However, they nearly always try to ‘help’, or cheer you up, at worst they dismiss or devalue your emotions or experience. This is a problematic behaviour that needs to change.

However (based on the separation of personhood from behaviour) when raising this issue we don’t label the person as ‘bad’, but the behaviour as unacceptable. It’s not about ‘bad to better’ person, but a process of awareness (of what drives the behaviour) and growth. Why ‘growth’? Well, we’re here to grow/evolve (simple evolution) if that happens, we’re constantly changing. As above though, it’s an internal process of change first. When identities based in childhood wounding and programming (and defined be behaviours) lessen, and trust in ‘core-self’ grows, behaviours change organically.

So now, the whole view and process of ‘change’ is about using a ‘problem’ to learn, heal and grow. This is a perfectly healthy, normal and needed process. It’s what’s required to be an actualised and fulfilled human.

So that problematic behaviour above could be met with something like: “I know you try to help in your way, and that you care, but what you do does not help. We’ve talked about what I need (let’s assume this person has worked hard to describe their inner world and needs). So, I’m not sure what’s stopping you change how you support me. I can only guess it’s to do with a resistance to emotional stuff in your own life, or a certain view of emotions in general, or fear I won’t like you if you can’t ‘help’ me, or something in your past that’s created these patterns. I don’t know, but I believe there’s something deeper going on. I want to support you in any way I can in understanding yourself in this and making the changes I’m requesting, but as I’ve explained it’s important to me things do change.”

It’s also important to note here that the person requesting change needs to do almost identical work on awareness and understanding of themselves. This is so they can articulate the depth of themselves (feelings, personal meaning, needs, boundaries, etc.) below the request – so their partner can understand with depth, feeling and clarity as to why the change is important.

Best! Alex