There’s a conundrum I keep coming across. The issue of problematic
behaviours in relationships and the struggle it creates between asking for
change and the concept of “acceptance” of the other.
If someone close to us does something that hurts, creates
distance, crushes a boundary, or ignores a need, we tend to want to raise
these. Doing so though is often taken personally and felt as pressure to change
‘who we are’. Socially, we’re pressured to believe that to love is to ‘accept’
the person “warts and all”. Hence narratives like “if you love me, you’d accept
me as I am” or “stop trying to change me”. The assumption behind such comments
is… a request for change suggests something is ‘wrong’ with the person; and making
that change makes them ‘better’.
The fundamental flaw in these narratives is the belief a
person is defined by behaviour. That their worth is equal to what they do or
don’t do. Good behaviour = good person and visa-versa. This is a very common
and powerful social belief. But it’s wrong! Lots of research on this, but it
essentially says behaviour is driven – by layers of psychological
and emotional complexity connected to childhood shaping, socialisation,
wounding and unmet needs. In short, it says you have to separate personhood (a
person’s worth) from their behaviour. This concept is a huge hurdle for many,
and can take a long time and significant work to overcome, especially when
various forms of trauma are in play. But I’ll give an overview here in the
context of requests for change:
·
Asking for change is not about change of the
person. Our innate essence is unchangeable!
It’s whole, complete, good, ‘enough’ and worthy, just as it is. Its
worth is based on the ‘inside stuff’ of being human. Innate, ‘stuff’ like:
character strengths and virtues (e.g., curiosity, adaptability, resilience, and
creativity, to name a few), various forms of intelligence (at least 9 according
to research), human consciousness, intuition, the ‘3 brains’, emotional
processing systems, meaning making capacities, and much more. The amalgamation
of all of this is what we are. This is where our worth lies, not it what
do! Behaviour (good or bad) is driven and is a different issue to
‘core-based’ worth. Ideally, our behaviours should be driven by connection to,
and belief in, our innate human essence (when this happens, it’s more our
unique and true-self reflected in actions). Commonly however, our behaviours
are driven by the programming and wounding of childhood. The process of
‘change’ here, helps to reverse this.
·
‘Change’ here is also not about willpower
driven behavioural change (this just creates resentment, is exhausting, and
doesn’t last). What we are really asking for is greater awareness and
understanding (of themselves and us) and a request for better choices based on
that knowing. The ‘awareness and understanding’ focuses on those deeper things that
drive behaviours, reactions and automatic thinking. Until these are
fully understood (not a simple process) considered more fully (and, if needed,
addressed) we are operating on ‘autopilot’. If we don’t heal and grow our way
out of ‘autopilot’ we will be stuck in our painful patterns of projection, defensiveness,
and disconnection (from ourselves and others). The beauty in this process is in
knowing and understanding ourselves better (especially ‘knowing’ we are
innately good and not defined by external actions) behavioural change occurs
organically, or through organic shifts in motivation. It’s now inner
transformation that drives change. In this sense (and in its purest form) a
request for change is done with love and understanding as an act of love –
because Love is essentially about growth of self and the other (another big
topic!).
There’s also a beautiful gift in this process – by getting
to know each other at deeper levels (without judgement, comparisons etc.) we
get closer and more appreciative of the other.
Before going further, I should define ‘problematic
behaviour’. This is not about getting someone to change because they ‘tick you
off’ or don’t make you ‘happy’. This is deeper stuff. We are ultimately responsible
for our emotions and happiness. If you want an obedient, submissive partner that
makes you happy, get a dog. Assuming you have some degree of self-awareness
about (and a workable handle on) your defensiveness, projections and
transferences, then a ‘problematic behaviour’ is one that hurts, creates
distance, abuses or ignores boundaries, or fails to meet fundamental and
healthy connection needs. Good examples are actions or inactions that come from
a lack awareness or deep ‘knowing’ or you and your inner world, or a lack
consideration or care when they do understand, or simply not trying to know and
understand to begin with. E.g., to be supported when you’re grieving you
request your partner doesn’t try to ‘fix’, but works to listen, understand your
experience, and ‘hold space’ for processing your emotions. However, they nearly
always try to ‘help’, or cheer you up, at worst they dismiss or devalue your
emotions or experience. This is a problematic behaviour that needs to change.
However (based on the separation of personhood from
behaviour) when raising this issue we don’t label the person as ‘bad’, but
the behaviour as unacceptable. It’s not about ‘bad to better’ person,
but a process of awareness (of what drives the behaviour) and growth. Why
‘growth’? Well, we’re here to grow/evolve (simple evolution) if that happens,
we’re constantly changing. As above though, it’s an internal process of change
first. When identities based in childhood wounding and programming (and defined
be behaviours) lessen, and trust in ‘core-self’ grows, behaviours change
organically.
So now, the whole
view and process of ‘change’ is about using a ‘problem’ to learn, heal and grow.
This is a perfectly healthy, normal and needed process. It’s what’s required to
be an actualised and fulfilled human.
So that problematic behaviour above could be met with
something like: “I know you try to help in your way, and that you care, but
what you do does not help. We’ve talked about what I need (let’s assume this
person has worked hard to describe their inner world and needs). So, I’m
not sure what’s stopping you change how you support me. I can only guess it’s
to do with a resistance to emotional stuff in your own life, or a certain view
of emotions in general, or fear I won’t like you if you can’t ‘help’ me, or
something in your past that’s created these patterns. I don’t know, but I
believe there’s something deeper going on. I want to support you in any way I
can in understanding yourself in this and making the changes I’m requesting, but
as I’ve explained it’s important to me things do change.”
It’s also important to note here that the person requesting
change needs to do almost identical work on awareness and understanding of
themselves. This is so they can articulate the depth of themselves (feelings,
personal meaning, needs, boundaries, etc.) below the request – so their partner
can understand with depth, feeling and clarity as to why the change is
important.
Best! Alex
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