“The fundamental
dynamic in human life, and the most important factor in the development and
existence of human beings, is attachment. Connection to another human being.
That is, the capacity to be present with, understand, and see the other human
being for exactly who they are, to accept them for who they are, and to invite
them unconditionally to be in your presence exactly the way they are. That’s
what love actually is.” Gabor Mate
This article is not about definitions of Love (that’s a
thousand-year debate!) – instead it offers a beginning point, a practical
foundation or focus, based on ‘teleological’ definitions of Love. A
teleological definition is one based on what something does – its impact
and purpose – not what it is. The analogy might be Love is like the sun
– we cannot look directly at it, but we see our world because of it, and
experience its many life-sustaining functions.
Essentially, the ‘teleological’ definitions of Love point to
it nurturing, healing and transforming humans (and societies) into the best
versions of themselves. Much like the sun, Love nurtures and sustains
humans. At the fundamental level, it seems, Love’s purpose is growth – the
growth of self and others.
However, I’m not suggesting our role means we teach, direct
or monitor growth. Love doesn’t seem to work that way. Rather, our role is to
provide the ‘conditions’ for growth. Much like a tree cannot be ‘taught’
to be a tree, but simply needs sun, rain and soil. This article is about what
humans need as ‘nutrients’ or ‘conditions’ for growth. This is what I call ‘the
essence’ of Love.
To dispel any thoughts in that direction, this ‘essence’ has
little to do with behaviours!! Culture and religion focus on ‘right’ actions,
words and behaviours – but, as you will see, that’s putting the cart before the
horse. Or as Buddhist philosophy suggests, it’s us “getting in the way of
ourselves”. From broader and deeper ‘wisdom traditions’, philosophical
understandings, progressive psychological research, and the use of teleological
definitions, we can say this about Love:
Love is not
a behaviour, feelings, or words; but it drives behaviours, generates feelings,
and informs words.
Others describe Love similarly, as a “state of being” …that underpins
and drives actions.
So, what is this essence that drives actions and generates
feelings? I see it as connection based on 2 key areas:
·
Believing – in the innate capacities and
worth of a person, and
·
Knowing – the other at depth (below
behaviours, words and outward appearances). However, it’s not a
logical/conceptual ‘knowing’, but a felt experience of knowing.
These are the ‘nutrients’ that grow and sustain the other (they’re
also the conditions for self-love).
Believing
I won’t say much here on belief (I have other docs on this)
but it’s essentially about believing in the innate capacities and core human
nature of the other – their core good and worth. Like a seed contains all it
needs to be a tree, humans ‘contain’ all they need to grow, flourish and
contribute. This ‘inside stuff’ includes character strengths, multiple kinds of
intelligence, emotional processing systems, meaning-making capacities, and much,
much more.
I also won’t say much here because as you get to know the
other at depth, your belief about their innate ‘stuff’ will grow organically.
Knowing
A deep knowing of another, requires ‘knowing’ on a number of
levels. The key one is ‘knowing’ in a ‘felt-sense’ way – as an experience
of human connection. On all levels though, it’s crucial our intention is
non-judgemental and appreciative. In this way it becomes a safe knowing.
Love is not about ‘fixing’ the other.
The levels of knowing include: thoughts, personal meaning, individual
experience/s, emotions, and personal history.
Thoughts here are referring to ‘surface level’
conversations, or ‘doing’ and ‘information exchange’ levels. ‘Doing’ means what
I/others did/do: achievements, jobs, pastimes, sports, restaurants,
entertainment, etc. ‘Information exchange’ refers to opinions, commentaries,
proclamations of knowledge, judgements, comparisons, problem-solving etc. Tends
to be about “factual details and information transfer”. While necessary and
interesting at times, we need to remember that understanding content,
actions, and events is not the same as understanding the person. The
below levels will take us deeper, but at this level if we focus on how
someone thinks (and less on facts) we can get to know them at a deeper level.
Some examples of how people think include: visually, auditorily (speaking out
loud to process), role-plays, using metaphors or stories, linearly, circularly,
binary thinking, systems or spectrum thinking, or in ‘growth-mindset’ ways. Of
course, with some of these we may be tempted to judge and challenge; like
binary thinking, narrowmindedness, or catastrophising. These can certainly be
issues, but keeping the focus on ‘safe knowing’ means it becomes more about
discernment (vs judgement) and maybe trying to understand how such
patterns came to be, what they serve to protect or achieve, or vulnerable
feelings out of awareness. E.g.: If someone says “I’ve only seen you 3 times
this year” – don’t analyse, correct, or justify the ‘facts’! It’s that they
miss you, are lonely, or sad that’s important. If they use the ‘wrong’ word in
their excitement or passion or anger – it’s the deeper feelings and personal
meaning we are interested in connecting with. Such a focus can save a lot of
misunderstanding and confusion, help us communicate at deeper more ‘real’
levels, and can help to broaden perspectives and generate insights. It also helps
up simply appreciate the unique and creative processes of the other.
Personal Meaning Focussing on the key words from
‘doing’ or ‘informational’ levels can take us to personal meaning levels.
Especially with words that have power and ‘assumed truth’ (these are socially
accepted ‘truths’ or social ‘norms’ that have rarely been personally examined
or unpacked). Words like ‘Love’, ‘respect’, ‘friendship’, ‘support’, ‘care’,
‘kind’, etc. or clichéd expressions like ‘amazing’, ‘great’, or ‘fine’.
This is a vital area! Much conflict, misunderstanding and
hurt can be avoided by slowing things down to focus on the individual meaning
of key words. E.g. your partner asks for respect, you may say “in my head I
have a concept of ‘respect’, but what does it mean to you?” When we do this
people will often respond with definitions, concepts and thoughts that surprise
and enlighten us. However, it’s less about ‘facts’ here too; personal meaning is
connected to subjective human experiences. E.g.: if you walk up a
mountain with someone, what we see, sense, feel, associate with, and make
meaning of, can be radically different to the other. So, to get to know the
person at this level, we try to understand the personal meaning of an
experience. If we think of ‘humans as icebergs’, this is us diving a little
deeper into the unseen or unnoticed.
Experience keeping with the ‘respect’ example. You
may now have their conceptual understanding and personal meaning, but to go
deeper, you could ask:
·
When have you felt most/least respected? (you
are searching for stories of experience)
·
How would you describe the feelings when you
are/are not respected?
·
How does it impact your sense-of-self or
self-worth?
·
How did you learn to see respect this way?
·
How has past experiences influenced your
understanding or need for respect?
·
What experiences from childhood come into play
here?
Seek out detailed descriptions - to explore identity, past
and present impact, and what emotions/feelings are in play (especially the
deeper more vulnerable ones). You’re
trying to get descriptions that help
you visualise and feel the
others unique subjective experience – not just their thoughts, opinions,
or complaints.
You can also ask similar questions of their hobbies,
pastimes and other interests – especially ones’ where you think you cannot
possibly connect with or understand. I once had a lady who felt distant from
her husband because he loved old cars but she had no interest and no
experience. When encouraged to focus on the person, not cars, she had a vastly
different experience. “What is it about cars that ‘floats your boat’? What does
the time you spend with them make you feel? When did you first gain an interest
in them? Do they help you escape from something? Did someone or some experience
foster this interest for you?” Questions such as these take us to the depth of
the other, where we can always connect with common core human
needs and emotions. However, they will need to feel safe to be open and
vulnerable (which is why this has to be a non-judgemental process) and they
also need to be equipped with a deeper ‘knowing’ of themselves (this is another
doc! But we can model; and encourage through ‘empathic guessing’ etc.)
Emotions This is key. Human connection is a
felt experience.
To begin, getting context detail can help the other
‘immerse’ back into the experience, like: "Where/when was this, who else
was there?” “What else was happening?” “What led up to this?”
Use open-ended questions: "What was it like to go
through that?" "How was it for you when.........?" “What was
that experience like?” “How would you describe the feeling to someone else?”
Keep the focus on the emotion itself - when someone uses
'like' they are generally not describing a feeling, it's more an interpretation.
E.g. "I feel like they don’t care" vs "I feel
sad/hurt/worthless"
Naming an emotion is a good start - sadness, anger, fear,
anxiety, joy, etc . – but describing in terms of metaphor, image, or some other
descriptive/creative/evocative language offers much greater understanding of
their experience, and helps them process it. E.g. “It’s like being alone in a
cold, dark hole, with walls too high to climb.” (expand on these by asking for
detail of the visual – like it’s a real place – so colours, texture, materials,
cold/hot, night/day, sounds/smells… as it gets richer more meaning is found).
We can also focus on body
sensations. There is always a body feeling of some kind, even if it’s numbness
or fatigue. Search maybe for where they notice pain, tension, discomfort
or tightness, or they may notice heart rate, breathing, body temperature,
facial expressions, or posture, gestures or movements, or nausea, butterflies.
Here is where they may use metaphor or descriptive language. “It’s like:
pressure, a weight, a dark place, being tied down, a storm coming, floating,
sinking” etc. It’s often easier to turn into metaphors, analogies, and images –
and can become even more powerful when they can be drawn or painted out.
Another area we can
focus on is the behaviours that come with the emotion. What are the
normal behavioural/action-based responses? Do they go quiet, withdraw, change
the topic, laugh off, avoid, fidget or get agitated, lean back, visibly relax,
become more pursuing/demanding of others, lash out, deflect anger on others, or
go into a known pattern of behaviour of some kind? Again, this is not to judge,
but explore for history, deeper meaning, or the ‘primary’ emotion below a
‘secondary’ one (like anger often is). Tricky to keep it non-judgement when
it’s perceived and a powerfully ‘negative’ or vulnerable emotion – but important
we do!
Finally, we can look at specific thoughts associated with the
feeling/emotion. Here we are simply bringing to awareness and exploring any
thought that comes up – there will be interpretations, assumptions,
angry/lashing-out thoughts, self-criticisms, blaming circumstance etc. We don’t
judge, correct or challenge – we ask “what else”. We also note and explore
themes, patterns and meanings in the thoughts. Is there constant
self-judgement, blaming of self/others/circumstance, avoidance, denial, etc.
There are no bad or negative thoughts here, we are not judging, comparing,
correcting or focusing on fixing. We simply take note and ask "what
else?" and maybe validate their pain and thinking… “I can see how hard
this is, and how it would make you think that way”. Often, we can switch back
to the other areas, as the thoughts can create different or more intense
feelings/body sensations or remind of other behaviours.
With a deeper understanding of these you can then explore
history or conditioning. “Have you felt like this before?” “How is this
familiar (particularly to childhood/adolescence)?” “When have you
felt/thought/acted in similar ways?” “Does this remind you of a specific
experience?” “When you think of any of the emotions, feelings in your body,
thoughts, or actions – does it remind you of anything from your past?” ..more
on this below.
(* As you understand emotions you can also connect them
to fundamental human needs – that are being met or not. This deepens and
broadens your perspective, and helps to express needs and set boundaries. Refer
to ‘Empathic Guessing’ doc for more on this.)
Personal History – this is mainly childhood, but also
other early experiences. This is where ‘how’ questions can change the direction
of conversations. Someone may say “I’m a carer, I value caring for others”. We
can ask ‘why’ and they will give good reasons, but if we ask “how did you
become someone who values caring for others?” we are on a different trajectory
– towards personal childhood history (‘our template for personal relationships
and how we see the world’). So, how did they become someone who holds certain
beliefs, values certain ways of being, fears certain things etc. Exploratory
questions like ‘how’, ‘where’ and ‘what’ are so much more informative than
‘why’ questions when trying to know the depth of another. Some examples:
·
How would you describe your childhood? What was
childhood like?
·
How did such a strong sense of justice (or any
character trait) become a big part of you?
·
What happened in your past that makes you value
privacy (or any strong value or belief) so much?
·
Who were you closest to when growing up? What were
some key times of closeness?
·
What are the 3 earliest stories (powerful or
clear ones) of childhood you can remember?
·
What ‘role/s’ did you think you played in the
family (peacekeeper, ‘counsellor’ to a parent, scapegoat, carer of a sibling,
the ‘good’ child, the black sheep, etc.)
~~~
The overall goal here is to know another at depth, which has
to be a ‘felt-sense’ experience of knowing, a ‘heart-knowing’ if you will, vs
conceptual understanding. From here you are much more equipped to say or do
things as actions of love and support. This is the foundation that generates
feelings, drives behaviours and informs words. It’s your internal shift
and awareness – your internal state of being – that underpins external
actions.
They, in the process, get to vent, unpack, and explore experiences,
and get to know themselves at depth. They gain greater understanding of their
emotions, get to find or make meaning of experiences, gain different
perspectives/insights, and learn a new ‘language’ (e.g. speaking about hurt
that was previously covered by anger). They also feel seen, understood, and
valued – finding connection (to themselves and you), and growth and healing
along the way.
You get to ‘meet’ your important other at a deeper level,
discovering new and emerging aspects of them (nearly always interesting, moving
and/or inspiring). In that kind of ‘knowing’ they are appreciated for
who they are as a unique, complex, and a wonderfully (and innately) equipped
person. They are loved, admired, and appreciated for their ‘inside stuff’ (not
the external behaviours and appearances). If love is about growth, then this to
me is the essence of Love… the ‘nutrients’ for healthy growth.